Apparently as a mother and new wife, I am in the right position to know what love is.
Both these positions that I occupy – with great pleasure I should add, have indeed taught me and opened me up to love and will no doubt continue to do so if I continue to let them, and I will because love I believe is all there is in the end.
I am not your typical butch or femme lesbian, I like to think of myself as a womyn who loves and deeply enjoys the company of other womyn. I say this because pregnancy for me was not a time of great pride at the bulging stomach-ful of person form, it was a beautiful time – in a strange sense I have no words to explain. But I could have done without the feminine assumption that accompanies it and continues to be associated with the idea of a womyn who has given birth. Perhaps some day I will find the right words to put into form what I think about the experience, for now I will focus on the result.
I loved Rowan even before I met her, it wasn’t an easy time for me, but I, to a great extent felt like I had been handed a life line, I loved her form as it matured and I loved her more when I set eyes on her, I loved more than I ever thought I was capable of, and perhaps that was her gift to me.She came to me at a time when I was coming to terms with my sexuality and trying to figure out my place in life. If you know me, you know that I have to find a reason for whatever I do or I am lost. I couldn’t find a reason for existence at that time of my life. Dramatic as it sounds, I felt lost in heavy smog walking towards the end of a cliff I couldn’t see.
Loving Rowan was the reason I needed to carry on, it was the meaning I was so desperately seeking and it was handed to me I believe by the universe because my purpose was yet to be served.
Loving a child and a grown womyn are of course two totally different things, but I think loving a child opened up the possibility of my falling in love with Toni.She is quite easy to love – is my wife. She is hot and cool as I like to tease her, but most importantly she is smart. That to me is non-negotiable.
I am blessed I know, I have something a lot of people can only wish for. It isn’t always easy to love, but like I was telling my wife last night as we talked with our heads on the pillow, I have my two feet firmly planted on the ground. For me love isn’t about a proposal while bungee jumping or a serenade in a crowded park. Love to me is action, it’s making that cup of coffee in the morning for your partner even when you feel a little irritable at whatever, or making her lunch and adding extra cheese because you know she needs the protein.
Love is making that sacrifice so that your child can attend that karate or piano lesson because you know it’s important. It’s giving them the last biscuit when in the waiting room of whatever government department because you know they need it more not just because they will nag when hungry.Love is realising that people are human and affording your wife the space to be grumpy sometimes. Love is telling your wife that she smells good after a long day because she needs to get it into her head that her natural scent, her mortal essence is beautiful.
I don’t know what love is to you but for me, it is the lived experience of our every day stories. I am very lucky that I have people I enjoy being with that I get to share this love, these stories and this life with.